My new cornucopia of crazy. Totally.

Thank you, Curbed LA, for reminding me why I'm a renter.

Click here.

My new (cheaper!) multimillion-dollar lifeguard shacks. Totally.

No, it's a house. Really. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Click here.

My new, uh, soap? Totally.

OK, close one eye, take a quick glance and what do these look like?

Three guesses, first two (and the article's suggestion of "little rocks") don't count.

Click here.

My new throne room. Totally.

Everyone wants a breath of fresh air after, ahem, tending to business, but this is taking it to an extreme.

Click here.

My new falling-down building. Totally.

At least, if the Big One hits the Vegas, this building will already be halfway there.

Click here.

My new WTF is it anyway? Totally.

Uh, uh, yeah. That's all I got to say on this.

Click here.

My new Sunday paper. Totally.

Now, THAT's news you can use.

Click here.

My new Gizmo-head chastity skirt. Totally.

Yeah, nobody's coming near her with THAT there.

Click here.

My new duck feet. Totally.

But do they quack when you walk? Inquiring minds ...

Click here.

My new extra appendage. Totally.

Who the frak thinks of these things? Really?

Click here.

My new fork in the road. Totally.

OK, it's technically between the roads, but close enough. Of course, it could mean that California's done, stick a fork in it ...

Click here.

My new whoopsy-daisy house. Totally.

If you think you're already living in an upside-down world these days, this little domicile might be just the ticket ...

Click here.

My new fixer-upper. Totally.

Over half a million bucks for an abandoned house. California dreamin' is alive and well...

Click here.

My new scream out loud. Totally.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Click here.

My new hole in the ground. Totally.

Can't say much for the view, but the neighbors seem quiet.

Click here.

My new battery-operated friend. Totally.

I so totally want this. Don't judge me.

Click here.

My new impenetrable fortress. Totally.

Now I just have to acquire a lot of stuff people would want to steal. I'm afraid my old "Buffy" screeners, as awesome as they are, just don't count.

Click here.

My new bed dress. Totally.

Lends a new meaning to hanging around in bed.

Click here.

My new giant lips-head. Totally.

Yeah, you read that headline and couldn't resist, right? Without further ado ...

Click here.

My new pretty blue ice cube. Totally.

I keep wondering where you put your stuff. Only people who don't have stuff buy these houses, I guess, or at least people who have stuff that isn't blue, white or taupe.

Click here.

My new self-defense method. Totally.

These are for Payless? They'll have to issue helmets and elbow pads the first day the shoes arrive to protect the people trying them on. Anyone, though, who winds up facing the business end of one of those heels should just run like thunder.

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2009/09/christian_sirianos_shoes.html

My new little blue castle. Totally.

But where's the pink unicorn and the green dragon?

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/09/new_to_market_powder_blue_flip_in_south_la.php

My new cottage on the hill. Totally.

I wuv it. I weally weally do. It makes me want a puppy and a bunny and a Sunday bwunch in the backyard with fwesh-squeezed orange juice and poppyseed mwuffins.

OK, I want those now -- though maybe not the bunny and the puppy at the same time.

http://www.underculver.com/2009/09/middle-of-nowhere-too-cute-is-ugly.html

My new air-conditioned pants. Totally.

The only thing sillier than this is hanging your pants below your butt so your underwear shows and you have to walk like an arthritic duck because the crotch is around your knees. (Thankfully, someone has addressed at least the underwear part of this unfortunate trend)

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2009/09/jeans_now_come_in_see-through.html

My new ill-gotten gains. Totally.

Want to vacation like notorious swindler Bernie Madoff? Here's your big chance, and, as a bonus, you can funnel some cash back to his victims.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2009/09/hot-property-madoffs-summer-digs-are-for-sale.html

My new garden in the sky. Totally.

I wouldn't stand next to this building during watering, but other than that, I like it. I like it a lot. (embedded link this time, for whatever reason, wouldn't work when I pasted it in)

My new non-footprinty warehouse. Totally.

I could even park my hybrid -- if I had a hybrid, that is. Of course, it's built where a homeless shelter used to be and costs almost $10 grand to rent, but hey, it's carbon neutral!

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/rentcheck_carbon_neutral_in_venice.php

My new icky green windowless box. Totally.

The boarded-up kitchen window is just the cherry on top.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/thats_rather_hideous_windowless_in_south_la.php

My new enchanted cottage. Totally.

It's so cute, I want to hug it and kiss it and call it George! Sorry, misspent youth watching too many "Looney Tunes."

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2009/08/hot-property-record-producer-lists-calabasas-home.html

My new bargain-basement uber-French screening room. Totally.

OK, I know this decor cost a lot of money, but I keep thinking there's only one kind of movie appropriate for this screening room, and it ain't "Bambi."

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/pricechopper_big_french_chateau_slims_down.php

My new really white room. Totally.

The "Casablanca" scene on the TV is a nice touch, but why aren't the chairs looking out at that pretty sky? What is the view from this condo? Also, one of the commenters says this development doesn't have a pool. Uh, SoCal, much?

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/week_in_review_westfield_culver_city_soho_house_in_weho_a_house_in_a_pool_gays_in_the_oc.php

My new pretty house, pretty sky, pretty lights on pretty hedge. Totally.

Apparently there are also " coved ceilings, small-pane windows and two fireplaces. A walled brick courtyard, a spa and mature fruit trees are among the outdoor features."

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2009/08/hot-property-producers-list-hollywood-hills-home.html

I really want this one. No, really. Totally! I only need, like, $1,195,000. Passing the hat in the morning.

Need more convincing? Here are more pretty pictures.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/new_to_market_olde_english_homestead_in_the_hollywood_hills.php

My new cool wavy driveway. Totally.

Not to mention, my new fuzzy white rug and my new bed-is-a-box. Totally.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/new_to_market_swanky_midcentury_in_studio_city.php

My new school. Totally.

At least that's what they say it is. Looks like an abandoned shipping container that mated with an air-conditioner grille to me, but what do I know?

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/pugh_scarpa_green_dot_school_for_lennox.php

My new boots that have their own coats. Totally.

All I can say is, your legs will never be cold again.

http://la.racked.com/archives/2009/08/17/email_scan.php

My new rectilinear house. Totally.

I'm a little worried, though, that I'd hurt myself on some of those sharp corners, and I'd totally have to have a secret room for my smooshy recliner, Snuggie and other non-rectilinear stuff (which totally includes me).

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/new_to_market_la_lifestyle_awaits_you_on_doheny.php

My new really tall boots. Totally.

Unfortunately, I think these would go up to places I'd rather boots didn't go, but for the leggy chicks out there without swollen ankles or knee issues, go for it!

http://agirlsguidetoshoes.blogspot.com/2009/08/over-knee-boots-are-you-in-or-are-you.html

My new fixer-upper. Totally.

It either looks like building blocks or a really badly designed dental bridge -- with windows.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/_builders_banks_hired_kachay.php

My new froggy phone, etc. Totally.

This just felt so right, what with Lady Gaga's Kermit coat link the other day. And behold ye an endangered species, the landline of any kind, cool or not. Now, who's going to make the first Kermit cellphone?

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2009/08/novelty-phones/

My new ball. Totally.

What did you think I meant? What can I say -- I love tea! Time to put the kettle on...

http://ncmagteawithfriends.blogspot.com/2009/08/having-ball-with-tea.html

My new tea house. Totally.

And when I'm done having tea in it, I'll just use it as a loofah.

http://besthousedesign.blogspot.com/2009/07/balsa-dome-tea-houses-on-display-in.html

My new elephant hair. Totally.

GOP ladies, you KNOW you want this for the next RNC convention! Beats those Cat-in-the-Hat hats any day.

And please, please, click on the Kermit coat link. It's not easy being green!

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2009/08/lady_gagas_hair_elephant_sugge.html

My new big silver hangy thing and some cows. Totally.

My question is, do these people have a burger fetish? Cow pictures AND a Bob's Big Boy? And I won't even mention the coffee table (or that freaky clown cookie jar in the kitchen).

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/rentchopper_hollywood_hills_buff_hensman_reduced.php

My new big glass box. Totally.

Thank goodness, it looks like there are blinds, because curtains or Roman shades would push this big glass-and-white box well back up over a cool million. Kitchen island freaks me out though, that jagged granite edge seems custom-made for a very bad scene in a chase thriller.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/pricechopper_woodrow_wilson_glass_house_throws_bone.php

My new home-buying wish list. Totally.

And I live or have lived near two of them and visited one . Totally.

http://gawno.com/2009/06/55-strange-buildings-of-the-world/

My new, yeah, not too sure what that is, actually. Totally.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/08/friday_morning_linkage_49.php