My new impenetrable fortress. Totally.

Now I just have to acquire a lot of stuff people would want to steal. I'm afraid my old "Buffy" screeners, as awesome as they are, just don't count.

Click here.

My new bed dress. Totally.

Lends a new meaning to hanging around in bed.

Click here.

My new giant lips-head. Totally.

Yeah, you read that headline and couldn't resist, right? Without further ado ...

Click here.

My new pretty blue ice cube. Totally.

I keep wondering where you put your stuff. Only people who don't have stuff buy these houses, I guess, or at least people who have stuff that isn't blue, white or taupe.

Click here.

My new self-defense method. Totally.

These are for Payless? They'll have to issue helmets and elbow pads the first day the shoes arrive to protect the people trying them on. Anyone, though, who winds up facing the business end of one of those heels should just run like thunder.

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2009/09/christian_sirianos_shoes.html

My new little blue castle. Totally.

But where's the pink unicorn and the green dragon?

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2009/09/new_to_market_powder_blue_flip_in_south_la.php

My new cottage on the hill. Totally.

I wuv it. I weally weally do. It makes me want a puppy and a bunny and a Sunday bwunch in the backyard with fwesh-squeezed orange juice and poppyseed mwuffins.

OK, I want those now -- though maybe not the bunny and the puppy at the same time.

http://www.underculver.com/2009/09/middle-of-nowhere-too-cute-is-ugly.html

My new air-conditioned pants. Totally.

The only thing sillier than this is hanging your pants below your butt so your underwear shows and you have to walk like an arthritic duck because the crotch is around your knees. (Thankfully, someone has addressed at least the underwear part of this unfortunate trend)

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2009/09/jeans_now_come_in_see-through.html

My new ill-gotten gains. Totally.

Want to vacation like notorious swindler Bernie Madoff? Here's your big chance, and, as a bonus, you can funnel some cash back to his victims.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2009/09/hot-property-madoffs-summer-digs-are-for-sale.html