My new weekend place. Totally.

The French Chateau-inspired Batcheller Mansion (with a minaret) is also a functioning bed-and-breakfast, so I can have all my friends over.

Cheap at twice the price!

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My new house made entirely of hard surfaces. Totally.

I'll never understand people who want to live in houses that look less comfortable than a tire-store waiting room (and have the same concrete floor).

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My new ticky-tacky designer house. Totally.

OMG. Where is the crew of "Tacky House" when you need them? Double points off if those are indeed framed Mao prints in the dining room.

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My new multimillion-dollar heap of not much. Totally.

Has a pile of junk ever cost this much? Only in Bel-Air.

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My old-fashioned new house that can be seen from space. Totally.

I'd repaint the exterior (maybe shades of gray with plum accents) and change the wallpaper, but I'm fairly fond of the polished wood floors. And the living room floral window treatments and tapestries have GOT TO GO. I'd go more of a light and bright interior, as if we were by the sea in Cape May ...

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My new pyramid. Totally.

Ooooohhhhhmmmmm...

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My new little house on a hill overlooking the water. Totally.

I'm sorry -- they had me at "3-stop elevator."

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My new beach shack. Totally.

Just a little place to kick back on the weekends and watch the surf.

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My new unpretentious little pile in the Hamptons. Totally.

The only problem with a place with THIS many bedrooms -- how do you keep the sketchy relations from visiting?

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My new Craftsman. Totally.

No, really. I mean it this time. Totally. But can we move it just a leeetle closer to those cool ocean breezes?

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My new shoes (omg, omg, OMG!!!!!). Ahem ... Totally.

Some people are seee-yick.

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My new shoes (for when my ankles don't swell). Totally.

Not for certain times of the month or when one has to sit or stand for a long time, but otherwise, perfect!

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My new opportunity not to speak ill of the dead. Totally.

La la la la ... not saying anything about Alexander McQueen's shoes (yes, those are shoes) and handbags ... la la la la ...

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My new tiki bar. Totally.

Because who doesn't need a tiki bar?

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My new chairs I would totally fall out of. Totally.

Nice to look at, ridonkulous to sit in. Real people need arms!

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My new lift. Totally.

The only thing better about unblockable ocean views is not having to climb stairs to get to them. Hallelujah!

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My new pyramid. Totally.

Chill like an Egyptian ... or a tasteless show-off. Your call.

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My new beach shack. Totally.

What, you don't have shacks like this?

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My new tree house. Totally.

I can't decide whether I like it or whether it's just a nicely furnished fish tank. Little bummed that it's not actually a tree house, though ...

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My new lots of battery-operated friends. Totally.

Rock-star hamsters, hedgehogs, skunks, chipmunks, squirrels, bunnies and raccoons, oh, my! If I couldn't talk somebody into buying me a regular Zhu Zhu hamster, NOW what do I do?

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(PS: The only thing weirder than being an adult who wants a battery-operated hamster is buying one for yourself. So there. Don't judge me.)

My new tails. Totally.

Multiple raccoon tails are one thing, but attached to a plaid man-dress? Honestly, they look more like giant woolly bear caterpillars.

Ewww.

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My new relatively cheap Frank Lloyd Wright fortress. Totally.

It's historic. It's designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. It looks like you could hold off invaders with a couple of buckets of hot oil and a squad of archers. Who wouldn't want a piece of that?

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My new $2,000 trash bags. Totally.

So, what's to stop me from taking a Hefty bag, a stencil and going to town?

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My new reason to watch C-SPAN. Totally.

Scott Brown will be sworn in as the new senator from Massachusetts on Thursday, Feb. 4. And yeah, he was a centerfold. Pity C-SPAN isn't in HD.

They don't call him Hottie McAwesome for nothing.

My new reason to let them eat cake. Totally.

Marie Antoinette would take one look at this and fall end over crinoline. Dang.

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My new reason to be a Winter Olympian. Totally.

Yeah, it would take years of sacrifice and work and toil and blood and sweat and tears, but on the upside, I would get to wear cool Ralph Lauren gear, inspired by the 1932 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid.

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I went to Lake Placid just before the 1980 Winter Olympics, and all I got was mascot Roni the Raccoon.

My new reason to watch 'Dirty Jobs.' Totally.

Sure, the guys that Mike Rowe works with on Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs" are often grimy, sweaty and dusty, and usually sport plaid, denim, grubby T-shirts, hazmat suits and steel-toed workboots, but at least I know what gender they are.

And they won't borrow grandma's corset.

Click here to see some, er, guys who already have.

My new tuxedo spaceman. Totally.

That's not even mentioning the leather swizzle stick and the middle dude with the silly hat and lemon-meringue jacket. I officially give up. Real men, three names: Dockers, Carhartt, LL. Bean. These are your new best friends.

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My new boyfriends. Totally. (Not)

Do these designers want to end the human race? No sensible woman would propagate with these men.

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My new roofy-blocky house-y thing. Totally.

At least the price has come down -- it's cheaper than some Culver City condos. But it's as-is, and there are no interior pictures. Maybe there's no interior. Maybe the old owners took it. I've seen it happen.

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My new reason why men will stay single. Totally.

Really, would any woman go near these guys? Especially the dude on the end with the leather armor -- give him a horse and a sword and he could conquer the sporting-goods department.

Gack.

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My new purple passion pit. Totally.

The Grape Ape could have such monkeyshines!

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